live_life_like_nuts

Techno-crappy

2010-01-19T04:11:00.000-08:00

Technology has developed rapidly in the past few years and everyone is joining all the fun and festivities. Everywhere people are hooked up to their newest BlackBerry.People are rushing to the stores buying the new iPhone one after another. Two or three people in the same room stuck to their laptops and computers browsing for something that they themselves haven't figured out is a common sight. Often, people are just absent-mindedly clicking one button after another, shifting through pages of webpage just for the sake of it. We are hooked. This generation has become a generation that's addicted to technology.

The society is lost in the wonderment of a tiny machine that can connect you to anyone anywhere in this big world, a phone that fit the world in your palm, and a technology more advanced than ever that can bring everything to you in a click. All is because a mysterious thing we call the internet. It's understandable that people are excited about all these new technologies. However, many people aren't just excited. They are addicted and many don't even understand what makes those new technologies so addicting. I believe that the internet today gives people more flexibility in their daily activity and now that they have tried the luxury of being able to do everything instantly, they can't stop.

In this era of competition, people are getting busier and busier. Between work with constant increase of competition, the growing challenge of raising a family in this modern era, and hundreds of other personal responsibilities, people don't have the time to rest from the hectic life they live. The internet, with all kinds of entertainments and activities, has somewhat become their safe haven. People find peace on the internet. The internet is a world away from their daily responsibilities. It's a world that doesn't care if they haven't done their laundry or finished their homework. The internet is a way for people to escape from reality. Of course, it's nice to be able to escape from reality and that's why the internet is so addicting.
More than that, however, what makes the internet so addicting is the fact that it gives instant access to those entertainments and activities. Otherwise, people don't really need the internet to provide us with entertainment since they can find entertainment without the internet. In their hectic days, people don't have the time to go places to hang out and have fun. They are too busy doing all kinds of chores that they have to do and when they're not, they're too tired to do anything. The internet gives them the access to those entertainments and activities without them having to get out of their homes or even their beds.

The same case with information. With the internet and the right machine, people can pull any information they need anywhere anytime. The technology gives them access to every information there is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If someone needs to know who's the founder of water bottle at 2 in the morning, the information is right there on their smart phones. When someone got lost in the middle of a deserted road, he can just go to his BlackBerry and activate the GPS to find his way home. It's practical, it's easy, and it's fast, so of course it's addicting.

Even when we want to talk to our friends or family, we want an instant way. Those social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace give people the flexibility to talk to their acquaintances whenever they want wherever they want. People can now steal one minute at work to send a quick "hallo" to their acquaintances. They don't have to go through the long drives to a friend's home to meet up to exchange gossips and catch up. After all, they can just call their friends on those chatting sites or talk to them on phone sites like Skype where they can talk and see each other on the computer or their phone screens. Another advantage of those social networking sites is that people can voice their mind more freely on those sites. They can just post random notes on how they are feeling or their latest problem. Blogging sites where people can write whatever they want give them the opportunity to become activists, poets, reporters, advisors, or even critics in instant. With all those features and convenience, of course the new technology is addicting.

Like other addictions, however, the addiction of technology is also dangerous. It deprives human beings from their natural need as social beings to interact physically with other people and it slowly creates a virtual alternate universe that prevents people from living the reality. Even now, everywhere we can see people too busy with their gadgets that they aren't paying attention to their surroundings anymore. A man ignores his friend who's sitting across him in person because he's too busy talking to another friend halfway across the world. It's a great gift that now we can do so many things that we weren't able to do with so much more efficiency. However, we have to be careful, because no matter how fun and easy the virtual world on us, it's not the real world. We can't abandon our lives for a virtual world that may give us convenience, but not a life. We have to be careful so those new technologies become a tool to advance human civilization rather than to depreciate.

-me

Can't remember what I wrote this for, but there you go.

Kami Bukan

2009-09-29T23:06:00.000-07:00

Aku melihat orang-orang besar
Yang sibuk berlari ke sana kemari
Seperti tikus-tikus kecil yang lari dari perangkap

Sepatu-sepatu besar mereka menggertak galak
Bunyi derak kaki mereka menggegap
Wajah-wajah mereka penuh dengan kontemplasi

Mereka tak pernah berhenti berlari
Mengejar apa-apa aku tak tahu
Berlari dari apa hanya mereka yang mengerti

Orang-orang besar berlari di bawah bayang
Bernafas, terengah, tapi tak hidup
Terus berlari tanpa pernah meraih apa-apa

Dan mereka terus berlari melewati kami
Karena kami menolak ikut berlari
Kami bukan tikus yang panik lari dari perangkap

Kami orang-orang besar
Yang lewat dari jarak pandang mereka

Karena sepatu kami kecil dan tak menggertak
Karena derak kaki kami kurang menggegap
Dan kontemplasi kami bukan di wajah adanya

-me
29.09.09

Antara malam, siang, dan aku

2009-09-29T07:38:00.000-07:00

Jam berdetak sekali dua kali seribu kali
Sehari dua hari tiga hari seribu tahun
Berputar putar melingkar kembali
Ke awal lagi ke kosong lagi melamun

Lampu meredup redup di ujung sendiri
Mata terbuka menatap tak tahu apa
Bayangan hitam temaram menari nari
Hati berdegup kencang entah milik siapa

Kami di sini malam ini sendiri bernyanyi
Bersama jiwa jiwa yang bersama kami mencari
Sebentar pagi datang lagi dalam sunyi
Dan kami berlarian ke sana kemari

Esok kami tak tahu apa siapa dan kenapa
Tapi malam ini kami ada di sini
Dan kami mencoba untuk terus lupa
Agar kami bisa jadi lebih berani

Malam kami terus menari dan mencari
Di ruang kosong di sudut sunyi di terang hilang
Siang nanti kami harus berlari ke sana kemari
Sampai kemudian bertemu lagi ketika jam berdentang.

29.09.09
Auburn

-me

"For all that's lost and waiting to be found"

Dear you

2009-07-13T23:50:00.000-07:00

For you whom I love and always will
The road we have passed wasn’t easy
And between home and here
We have been everything
We were best friends and strangers
We were lovers and enemies
We were two people
Finding comfort in each other
And sometimes resentment
Now we’re here
The same two people
Yet not quite the same
Life brought us to a point we never knew exist
The road ahead is unclear
And what lays ahead us is unknown
The times we’ve passed will always stay
Unmoved by anything
For we are who we are
Because who you and I were
Years will pass and things will change
We would be two strangers to who we were
But one thing will remain unchanged
We will always have them at heart
Those younger people with passion
Those younger people with their mistakes
And we will always remain who we were
Two innocent kids
With so much to learn
Who find comfort and resentment in each other
Best friends and strangers
Lovers and enemies
Everything

-me
Jakarta,
July 14 '09

Doom

2009-03-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

The little daredevil has found her little shrine
Peacefully she sits there contented and perfectly fine
In the distance she still sees the fire that once burned her
And silently she swears she will stay away forever

But oh, a little daredevil she always will be
With her curiosity burning inside so strongly
The same curiosity that once killed the cat
And oh if she only knows the story of this cat

One night the little daredevil needs some light
She's surrounded by darkness and in need of something to guide
She sees the fire in distance glowing so tempting
So hard she tries to hold back but it looks so fascinating

Blinded by a little hope, she forgets about her vows
The will to approach the fire quickly grows
Just one more time, she says
Assuring herself that this time will not she pays

She walks slowly closer to the burning flame
Reassured that the fire is now tame
She stops for a while, recalculating her every move
And finally decides that she needs to prove

The little daredevil charges ahead
With confidence, she’s no longer afraid
She touches the fire, she embraces the flame
And for a while she thinks, yes, the fire is tame

It’s a little too late when she realizes
The implication and the consequences
Little daredevil watches in awe as she’s burned slowly
While the fire eats her alive so calmly

-me

(Love does fuck you stupid.)

"Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly."
-Arnold Edinborough

Roller Fucking Coaster, eh?

2009-03-24T04:38:00.000-07:00

Going up and up high
Going down and down low
One second on the highest of the top
On the bottom of rock bottom the next
Twirling around in my own little world
Running in circles and than, stop
The circles dizzied me and I’m all confused
Am I still on the top?
Or it’s the underground of series of complication
Light up!
Light up, fool
Haven’t you heard that song?
The one that says you are a fool to cry?
I am a fool to cry
Than again, smiling doesn’t really suit me
I’m crazy to smile
Cause I’m at the bottom of the barrel
And the highest of the top is not all that fun either
You know why?
I’m acrophobic
You know why?
I'm so afraid to fall
I would rather not fly
Chitter chatter all in my head
Of course,
Me and myself
We are the best of friends
We are the worst of enemies
Now I’m up high
Now I’m down low

-me
Sunset District, San Francisco,
Tuesday, March 24 09
around 4.40 am

"I am a contradictory mess but I see it as my prerogative to change my mood like the weather."
-Shirley Manson

Conscience

2009-03-09T01:51:00.000-07:00

Looking at us
Chin up high, too high
With haughty smiles that say
I’m the king of the world
And beyond
Looking at him
Face as pale as the snow
Laying down
Youth shines from him
Now meaningless, now useless
It’s so sudden
It’s so cold
It’s a slap on our faces
We’re not kings of the world
We’re just a tiny part
And life goes on
Even when we are no more
The haughty smile disappears
When the truth appears
We are just another drop of sand
In the beach
And we are not invincible

-me
march 9, 2009

For Sergio

I am deeply sorry

2009-02-03T09:33:00.000-08:00

Forgive me ‘cause I’m not the person you all want me to be
Forgive me ‘cause I’m weak and unwilling to try
Forgive me for letting you down, again and again
Forgive me ‘cause I’m far from perfect
Forgive me for running away from everything
Forgive me for resenting you for what’s mine
Forgive me ‘cause I’m looking for excuses after excuses
Forgive me ‘cause I thought I could live on my own
Forgive me ‘cause it turned out I was wrong
Forgive me ‘cause I might have deluded you
Forgive me for promising what I couldn’t fulfill
Forgive me ‘cause I’m not honest enough
Forgive me ‘cause I’m not strong enough
Forgive me for pretending to be everything
Forgive me ‘cause the truth is I am nothing
Forgive me for all my mistakes
Forgive me ‘cause I can’t fix them good
Forgive me for being so complicated
Forgive me for being so fucking absurd
Forgive me for not doing what’s right
Forgive me ‘cause I know I have it in me I just don’t want to
Forgive me ‘cause I’m too afraid to love
Forgive me for shielding myself from everything else
Forgive me for being so melodramatic
Forgive me for all these unnecessary whining
Forgive me for all the desperation I inflict upon you
Forgive me for all the effort I’m not making
Forgive me for being who I am today
And please forgive me for not trying to change

The truth is, I don’t feel like changing
At least not today
Because my frustration and desperation are all I have
And I’m not letting go

-me

Quote of the day:
"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." -Dorothy Thompson

The Pessimistic Side of Everything

2009-02-03T09:32:00.000-08:00

Life offers you beautiful roses and their thorns
And it gives you glasses of wine and than you're drunk
So it gives you rainbow with the illusion of gold on its edges
I know life gives you stars and make you think they shine
It gives the deep blue sea and it drowns you
And life gives you song when you can't sing a tune
Than it gives you hope before it lets you

-me

What for?

2009-01-28T04:15:00.000-08:00

What for, dear?
You force yourself to be awake at the break of dawn
Every fucking day for years and years more
Your mind hangs forcefully to sweet dreams as you yawn
Knowing that it will all be the same as before
Can’t you help but think, what for

You take it all in, all the worries and pain
Struggling inside and out for those that aren’t worth a thing
Knowing that in the end nothing you will gain
And still you are forced to fight despite all the loathing
But soon you’ll find yourself thinking, what for

You give yourself another chance in love, in life
Drowning yourself all over again within the despair
While doubting that you can do it again and survive
Knowing that you’ll end up broken beyond repair
You know that a voice inside you asking, what for

You find yourself contemplating on old ideals day by day
Going with the flow of norms, rules, and most of the time, doctrines
Slowly you lost yourself in the crowd as you’re trying to get away
That’s just the way of the world, by all means
Still, as soon as you stop you again wonder, what for

Life in Motion

2008-11-23T18:57:00.000-08:00

People walk, moving around

They talk like there’s no surround

Sounds of laughter and howl

Faces like those of ghoul

The walls are cold and stingy

Lies, doubts cover the grounds so dingy

The air is tainted with conspiracy

And souls of men are filled with uncertainty

Listen! To the clacking of those heels

Of people with no aim to seal

The sound of mindless contemplation

Of goals not worth a dedication

People live without ever living

Walk through their paths so misleading

Chained to the ground to the sky to the sea

While those who are free are called crazy

See! The living deads with their pride

Deluded, the world is on their side

Claiming they are kings of the world

Thinking they worth more than a pot of gold

People carrying their weapons

Their pockets wedged with ammunitions

Some die slowly some brutally

And all will do eventually

They stack a pile of bricks and call it home

Fly like a bird in a flock and say it’s freedom

Filled their houses with silvers and papers

Contented, they think they’re scrapers

They fight when they’ve forgotten their aim*

They are looking for anyone to blame

For the misery that comes within themselves

And questions that they’ll bring to their graves

-me

*George Santayana

honestly

2008-11-23T02:37:00.000-08:00

feeling hurt is not in your head
it's in your body
it's like taking drugs
and when you have none left
you're left with an excruciating pain
inside you
you can feel it like a wound
it's real
and after everything has been said
and done
you have to learn how to let go
put a band aid on the wound
and move on
walk away
and never look back again

-me

Random whinning after 24 hours straight without sleep

2008-11-12T10:16:00.000-08:00

Do you remember when you were younger you used to think how great it is to be older? First you imagined how fun it is to be a high school student. With all the somewhat glamorous life. Then you wanted to go to college because it sounded so much more fun and free. Then you imagined how fun it is to be an adult. You're working, you have a full life, and you can do whatever you want to do.
I used to do that a lot. I imagined what it is like in college. No, to be more specific, I imagined what it is like to go to college in America. It must be so fun.
Today, at this exact moment, I'm living up my dream. I AM in college in AMERICA. My dream came true. I'm here. Right here right now. Still, I feel so discontented because most of the time I feel lost. The amount of stress that I have to face is ridiculous.
I have to deal with all sorts of things. Money, homework, relationships, housing, and all other things. The most depressing of all is that I have to face the fact that all of this will determine my future. Not all of it, but a great deal of it.
Too many times I feel so tired and stressful and I want to end it all and fly somewhere else. Too many times I feel that this is bullshit. I'm tired. I'm through with school. I'm through with studying, that is in a formal education. I want to leave it all and go somewhere where I can do something that matters. I'm fucking tired.
It leads me into thinking what made me think that college life is so great. Here is the answer. You know, when we were little and we planned things, we didn't actually have to make it real. Plan it in our heads the way we want is enough. Having great dreams is easy when you don't have to realize it.
Now that I have to make it real, I can't. I don't know how to do it. I'm tired. I'm through.
I'm through.
I swear I'm through

Alphard vs. Rp.30,000

2008-10-07T19:57:00.000-07:00

Social gap in Indonesia highlighted itself on the Pasuruan incident in which 29 lives were taken as people fought neck to neck to receive Rp 30,000. Not only highlighting the social gap, it also showed many other social problems that Indonesia has faced for years now and yet never succeeds to solve.

These people, whom the government labeled as ‘the poor’, were so drown in poverty that for them that amount of money worth them risking their lives and others’. Their monthly incomes are so low that the chance of getting Rp 30,000 was like finding a pot of gold. They went all the way to get it. As fairly reasonable people they understood the danger of waiting in line, sorry, line is not the word, waiting in the crowd, with people so eagerly pushing and tackling. Even if they didn’t, waiting in that crowd for hours between so many people should have been too much problem for anyone with sufficient income.
The sad fact is the crowd that gathered in that place was not unlike the crowd that gathers in those overpriced concerts of singers and bands from all around the world priced at Rp 200,000 to Rp 4 million. There are so many people in Indonesia who are capable of buying tickets to these shows with still enough money left on their accounts to buy a Jaguar while these people had to give it all for Rp 30,000.

Let’s not even go there. Government, who supposedly use THEIR budget that they got from the taxes that WE paid to ensure OUR welfare and not THEIR’S, is using their budget to buy their staffs all these expensive cars. Fauzi Bowo, Jakarta’s governor, is using a Land Rover for God’s sake. The first lady is using a BMW and wherever she goes she’s guarded with people in Jeeps and Alphards that cost God-knows-how-much-cause-I-don’t-but-I-know-it’s-a-lot. If only they were using the money for greater goods, those people wouldn’t have to die for Rp. 30,000. Oh, but that wouldn’t make a difference anyway since there will always be people who corrupt those money, thank you very much.

Last but not least, it shows where our culture and manner has landed us. People can’t even force themselves to wait in line. If only they were waiting in line nicely instead of pushing each other, those people wouldn’t have to die. Our people have no idea how to appreciate others and wait for what we deserve.

Sorry, that’s not the last point. The media, apparently, has had a field day with the news. The infotainment even has succeeded in bringing a different angle to the story by getting celebrities’ takes on the news. But the incident shouldn’t be merely another controversy splashes around by the media and the people for a couple days and than forgotten in a snap. It should be a reminder for our people of how bad our social situation is. Furthermore, it should be an incentive for the government and the people to find a solution and fight for betterment in Indonesia. Those people’s lives are too precious only to be a media hullaballoo.

We have to understand that when the government is buying Alphards and the people are dying for Rp. 30,000, there’s something wrong with us.

-me

Taipei, Sept 08

Perverted policemen

2008-08-30T06:39:00.000-07:00

As a new member of Jakarta's pedestrian, I just noticed something. Here goes.

A policeman should be a person to go to when we're in troubles, yes? That's a very simple logic that even a toddler understands. That's why parents always tell their kids to find a policeman if they're lost. So policeman equals safety. Easy, right?

When you're older and you're walking through the city, you always keep it in the back of your mind that you should go find a policeman if you're robbed or threatened or being disturbed or, say, raped. Right? If a stranger's looking at you like they're about to rape you, you should yell, "Mr. Policeman, I think he'll rape me!" Right?

But what if the case is that you're a girl, you don't even have to be pretty cause mediocre is enough, and you're walking alone and as you walk those policemen are looking at you like dogs looking at meats. It's horribly disturbing, I tell you.

I was walking to a busway halt and these bunch of policemen looking at me from head to toe with this expression that only means that something down under is going up. As a self defense, I was wearing jeans, shirt, and a vest. Nothing revealing, nothing too much. I just spent 3 hours standing under the hot sun and I was a mess. Jeez.

The question is, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THOSE POLICEMEN????
Seriously. In this already not so safe city (the word so is me just trying to be nice) filled with men who seem like they never see a girl and keep woo-hooing every time they see a girl, we don't need policemen to act like that.

If they're doing that than who is our safety net. So I guess a policeman doesn't equal safety. They equal more danger.

My advice is, grow up guys, buy some porn, screw some chicks so you don't have to bother those nice pedestrians (read: me), and leave them ALONE. Don't act like some 5th grader that just hit their puberty. You guys look like you're 50 for God's sake.

-me

Quote of the day:
"Humans have a knack for choosing precisely the things that are worst for them.”
-Albus Dumbledore

Ah, kenyataan negeri ini

2008-08-29T05:36:00.000-07:00

Pria itu berjalan dengan langkah mantap
Keluar dari rumahnya yang berpilar dan berlantai marmer
Dengan setelan Armaninya yang terbaru
Dan sepatu dari kulit asli yang mengkilap
Dasinya terikat mantap di lehernya
Meneriakkan pada dunia bahwa ia pria terhormat
Di tangannya sebuah telpon genggam
Merek terbaru dengan berbagai macam fasilitas
Di dalamnya tersimpan nomer-nomer orang penting
Siap dihubungi dalam satu kali tekan
Ia berbicara dengan suaranya yang megah
Menyuruh ini itu dengan kekuasaan absolut seorang penguasa
Ia masuk ke mobilnya yang diimpor dari luar negeri
Harganya cukup untuk makan satu negeri
Ia menyebutkan tujuannya dan kata-katanya adalah perintah
Mobilnya ber-AC, joknya juga kulit kualitas terbaik
Ia berhenti di sebuah restoran mewah
Ketika ia masuk semua orang tahu namanya
Ia melangkah pasti ke arah pria terhormat lainnya
Yang memandangnya tabik dengan wajah merendah
Mereka bicara, dari urusan bisnis sampai politik
Bukan politik rakyat tentunya, karena mereka bukan rakyat
Setelah makanan yang melimpah habis dikunyah
Ia membayar dengan kartu kredit yang penggunaannya tak terbatas
Wajahnya tak peduli dengan nila yang harus dibayarnya
Ah, ia sudah biasa membayar, di negeri ini semua bisa dibeli
Ia kembali ke mobil mewahnya pergi ke tempat lain
Kali ini rumah yang juga mewah tapi tak semewah rumahnya
Di dalamnya seorang wanita menunggunya
Dengan kekaguman yang nyata
Mereka berbicara dan lebih lagi, menghabiskan waktu bersenang-senang
Setelah semua urusan selesai ia pergi meninggalan si wanita
Yang berdiri dengan keengganan terlihat jelas di wajahnya
Tujuannya setelah ini adalah sebuah lapangan hijau
Lapangan golf yang sudah dipesan khusus untuknya
Tempat ia biasa bermain golf sekadar menetapkan kekayaannya
Toh semua pria terhormat dan kaya raya main golf
Maka ia pun harus main golf sebagai pria terhormat dan kaya
Ah, ia sudah biasa mengikut, di negeri ini semua cuma bisa menganut
Setelah bola-bola berterbangan dan tangannya pegal mengayun tongkat
Ia duduk di bawah gazebo menikmati minuman dingin dan kue kecil
Dengan kacamata hitam bertanggar di hidungnya
Ia menghela nafas menikmati hidup, ah nikmatnya
Setelah puas bersantai ia pergi lagi
Menutup agendanya yang padat hari ini
Si pria terhormat pulang ke rumah mewahnya yang aman
Dan di malam hari ia tertidur pulas di ranjangnya yang nyaman
Di samping sang istri yang setia menemani
Dan pagi-pagi sekali ketika ayam belum juga berkokok
Ia meninggalkan rumah untuk pergi lagi
Kali ini ke penjara tempatnya seharusnya tinggal
Ia turun dari mobil ditunggu oleh serombongan polisi
Yang tersenyum lebar menyapanya dengan penuh hormat
Ia membagikan lembaran uang-uang baru
Dengan ketegasan seorang penguasa
Mereka membuka pintu dan ia masuk ke dalam selnya
Ia harus tinggal karena hari ini akan ada orang-orang yang datang melihatnya
Dan ia tak mau mereka tahu bahwa ia tak tinggal di penjara seperti seharusnya
Nanti setelah mereka pergi ia kembali lagi ke hidupnya yang serba nyaman
Ah, ia sudah biasa berbohong, di negeri ini semua itu bisa diatur

-me

Quote of the day:
"You can fool some people sometimes, but you can't fool all the people all the time."
-Bob Marley

Dear my dearest

2008-08-29T04:49:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna hear it any more
You, who supposedly my dearest one
Your words, your actions, they're all too sore
After all these years I really am done

I've tried to love you, yes I have
Through your sarcastic comments
Your unpleasant tone that makes me wish I'm deaf
I sincerely say now I'm officially bent

Do you even care, even just a little bit?
When you throw all those concerns do you really care?
Or are you just looking for a chance to hit
Me with words you know I can't bare

Do you know how many times I cry myself to sleep
From your critics that not even merited
I've tried many times to stop my weep
Telling myself not to be agitated

I'm not asking much of you
Cause I never expect much anyway
Just show some respect, please do
Cause there's a long road ahead and we have to stay

Just so you know if in the end I leave
It's because of you and you alone
Now you've put hatred in the words that I heave
You've done your job now leave me alone

-me

writer's note: above words came sincerely from my heart for someone that I suppose to love. She's hurt me many times but I suppose she never realizes. This isn't meant to be a note of hatred. This's suppose to be a revelation for me to start it all anew. So please see these merely as me talking to myself just to get what I feel out so I'll be able to forgive and forget.

Quote of the day:
"Who are you to judge the life i live?
I know I am not perfect -- i dont live to be
But before you start pointing the fingers
Make sure your hands are clean."
-Bob Marley

Rambling of the day:

2008-08-25T04:35:00.000-07:00

If you can't change the world, the least you can do is not letting the world change you.

-me

Rambling of the day:

2008-08-22T05:05:00.000-07:00

The only differnce between government and terrorist is that terrorists kill the people quickly and the government kills the people slowly.

-me

One.. Two.. Three..

2008-08-22T04:56:00.000-07:00

one
two
three
so that's three hundred
said the kid standing in front of a food stall
that's the remainder of his money
mom said that he should give it back
but the money is his, it's his achievement that he's efficient
but no, three hundred wouldn't hurt
would it?
mom has much more money than this

one
two
three
so that's three thousand
said the man in the parking lot
he asked for five thousand though he knew it should be two
but he needs the three thousand
it's not a thievery when the person who has the money know that it's taken
and no, three thousand wouldn't hurt
would it?
those people with expensive cars have much more money than this

one
two
three
so that's three million
said the man in his office counting the money
so he stretched the budget a little, that's fine
wasn't it him who found the cheaper supplier
it was his work, his sweat, so it's his right
no no, three million wouldn't hurt
would it?
this big company produces much more money than this

one
two
three
so that's three hundred billion,
said the man in his best suite with angelic expression on his face
big smile in his face while he thought of a new jaguar to be added to his collection
so I flexed the truth a little bit, but he need the document and I help him
it's not stealing, he gave me some kind of a, umm, a thank you note
hell no, three billion wouldn't hurt
would it?
this goddamned country has much more money than this

and, they are damned anyway.

-me

Quote of the day:
"Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to their country."
-Richard Adams

Everybody, Please!

2008-08-21T06:25:00.000-07:00

Will you tell me the truth, please?
Sir, please.
Tell me the truth.
You have been lying straight to my face
years and years that have passed.
You tell me that you don't know.
The truth is, you do know
You just don't care.

Will you tell me the truth, please?
Madam, please.
Tell me the truth.
You have given me all those excuses
The same ones over and over again.
I'm not that stupid, you know?
I have long learned the pattern of your lies
And I know when you're just being ignorant.

Will you tell me the truth, please?
Anyone who cares, please.
Tell me the truth.
They refuse to say or explain anything
They won't let anyone who would
I need the truth, that's all, nothing else
I'm fine if everything is not well
I just need to know that they are doing something

Will you tell me the truth, please?
Sir, Madam, please.
Tell me the truth.
I don't know what's going on
I don't know why we have to live like this
I don't know why you neither care nor want to care
But I know that it's your job
And I know that you're not doing your job too well

Will you tell me the truth, please?
Your Honor, please.
Tell me the truth.
Why they say things that aren't true?
Why they give promises that they know they'll never able to fulfill
Why don't you do anything?
Why you play along with them when you know that it's your job
Yes, it's your job to stop them

Will you tell me the truth, please?
People, please.
Tell me the truth.
You're all just standing there, skeptic
Thinking that it's none of your business
Even when they've lied like that
They treat us as if we're just dolls that have no say
When they suppose to work for us

Will you tell me the truth, please?
Anybody, please.
Tell me the truth.
I don't care who you are
I don't care what you want
Just tell me the truth and give me what I need
Save me from the people who suppose to save me
Help me escape from their lies and tell me the truth

Everybody, please!

-me

Quote of the day:
“ Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves. ”
-Abraham Lincoln

Government's Policy

2008-08-15T06:45:00.000-07:00

The closing of Jakarta's entertainment centers like nightclubs, massage parlors during Ramadan is a concrete example of the flawed Indonesian government policy.

The government seems to forget that although the Moslem is the majority, it's not the only religion. There are people who aren't Moslem and won't be fasting during the month. Those people have every right and the government have the obligation to let them have their entertainment.

But let's not go there. The people's relationships with their religions is not any of the government's business. The government never explains their reason of closing the nightclubs. However, if they want to force the people to be focus on their fasting and religion, they are wrong. If the Moslems want to go to nightclubs during Ramadan, it's their choice and their choice alone. It's their responsibility to their own selves. It's also their right to choose how they are going to pray and how they are going to behave on ramadan. It's their choice to fully focus on their spiritual obligation.

By closing the entertainment centers, the government enforces THEIR way of praying, therefore doesn't respect THE PEOPLE'S rights to choose their own spiritual ways.

-me

Quote of the day:
“ Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim. ”
George Santayana

Ryan and the Political Incorrectness of Indonesian Media

2008-08-04T05:32:00.000-07:00

When I was browsing for an article today, I found this little great article on the arrest of a murderer. It's an acceptable article, brief yet informative, and one sentence in the end of the article ruined it all. Here goes: "Other than that, the police found a few pornographic CDs with homosexual genre."

Another story, when I was on the airport waiting for a plane to Bali, I watched on the TV a news story titled "the number of gays in Jakarta is increasing due to environmental influence." Or somewhere along the line.

An even bigger story, the story of Ryan the mass murderer. It has become a great commodity for various medias all over the country. From newspapers to infotainment. What worse is that media treats the news as an infotainment. The big highlight wasn't that he's a mass murderer and how it affects the society, but the fact that he was gay and one of his victim was Rima Melati's grandson. Two thumbs up, people!

Indonesia was once called a democratic country. Shouldn't it mean that the people are free to have any sexual orientation? Shouldn't it mean that someone's religious preferences, skin color, age, gender, nationality, race, and sexual orientation HAVE NO PLACE in our newspaper? Shouldn't it mean that those cultural backgrounds have no say in defining people? Shouldn't it mean that there's no different in the merit of news stories on heterosexual murderer or homosexual murderer?

Ask yourself that, and ,oh please please please, let the answer be, YES.

Otherwise, the reformation has no meaning. Those fights for equal treatments and respect were just bullshits. Otherwise, the pluralism that Indonesia has and so proud of is just another unpreserved promotion tool.

Please stand up for tolerance in our land.

-me

Eat Pray Love

2008-07-24T05:44:00.001-07:00

Elizabeth Gilbert (Liz) believes that we should devote ourselves to those three things. And so she did.
This is an amazing book, with amazing characters (who, amazingly, are real), and an amazing way of story telling. This is a book that I don't want to put down, and I still dread the second when I reached the last word and had to put it down.
It's a book that made even an agnostic and skeptic like me tempted to leave everything that I have and search for great food, God(s), and a great lover. *sigh*
The story is about Liz's search for God in order for her to make peace with herself after a long tiring full-of-drama divorce. She finally travels to Italy -where she falls in love with the food and learns the art of pleasure, India -where she spends 24/7 praying and meditating and learn the art of devotion, Indonesia -where she learns a new kind of meditation, parties, falls in love, and learn the art of balancing pleasure and devotion.
At first, this book excites me for the mention of Indonesia. However, when I went on and read it, I fell in love. It's a really complete book, the kind that's hard to find these days. Liz tells us how to pray and bring ourselves closer to God without being a preacher. It's hard for anyone to dislike her. She's the kind of person that you just want to befriend with. In the end of the book, I felt like I've found a new best friend, Elizabeth Gilbert.
My faith in God and all those spiritual and religious stuff remains the same. (It's a really complicated thing that will create an entirely new novel if I try to explain, so don't bother.) However, this book fascinates me. Her ideas and her willingness amazed me.
It is the kind of book that if it's not a true story, readers will be all skeptical and say, "These kind of things will never happen in real life." I did say that in the middle of the book when I forgot for a split second that I was reading a semi-autobiography.
The only thing that concerns me is how hard it is to find God. Liz travels to 3 countries in 2 different continents in 1 solid year leaving everything that she has behind and changing her lifestyle completely, than, she found God. I don't know if I will ever find God, or if I will ever want to, but I'm positive that most of us won't have the courage neither the capability to do all things that she did. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong. But if I'm right, than what are we to do?
It's hard to explain the book. Just read it yourself. I promise you won't regret it.
This is a book that consists of thousand doctrines, yet not indoctrinating. It's an enlighting beautiful exceptionally funny great book.
Read it and give yourself a treat.

The face of our TV

2008-07-17T06:15:00.000-07:00

For years, Indonesian has accepted the prolonged unreal reality shows, the over hyperbolic so-called sinetrons that goes on for years, the dry dim-witted comedy, and the over exposed privacy raiding infotainments over the justification of public demands and rating. People believe that these kind of shows, and only these kind of shows, that Indonesian would enjoy.
For years, we unconsciously underestimates our people's intelligent by saying that our people only understand dry slapstick humor and over exaggerated stories. We continuously tell ourselves that we don't need nor want nor able to absorb entertainments with better qualities.

I say, it's time to stop using public demand as an excuse to prolong these shows with bad qualities.

It has been proven that our society is capable of smarter shows. Imported TV shows with decent qualities such as F.R.I.E.N.D.S, Heroes or Sex and The City have a decent number of fans in Indonesia. When we finally celebrated democracy by the showing of Republik Mimpi (Dream Republic), there are many who became loyal audiences and enjoy the wit and satire provided by the show. When we started to respect our identity and finally got the luxury of enjoying a smart comedy in Bajaj Bajuri, people couldn't stop talking about the show night and day.

Of course, the rating of these shows remain low, and little of them survived our TV. Than, people put the burden on the so-called uneducated. They believe that people from that part of the society don't have the capability to understand these shows, and these people are those who watch TV the most.

However, let me remind you, who created the uneducated. If we blame it only to Indonesian poor education system, than we are wrong. We learn through every aspect of life, that's why a high school graduate like Bill Gates can be so smart and successful. I believe that not only our schools and universities, but also our medias such as newspapers, TVs, or radios that educate us.

If we keep justifying these stupid shows because the uneducated like them, than it will remain so. By it, I mean the stupid shows will remain stupid and the uneducated will remain uneducated. The number of uneducated and the quality of our TV shows are mutually inclusive. One can't happen without the other. It's hard as hell to better our education system, might as well educate our people with other system. Name, media.

Say no more to stupid singing contest who sell the drama more than the singing quality. Say no more to stupid sinetrons with circling plots, bad actors, and sleazy characters. Say no more to stupid comedies who assume that our audience will only laugh if someone is physically hurt. Say no more to infotainments who talk about divorce and dating like they are the most important things in the world. Say no more to the assumption that Indonesians are stupid.

Have a good one everyone
-me

Quote of the day:
"There are only two kinds of characters in Indonesian sinetron: those who are stupid and those who are evil."
-me

Overestimated

2008-07-14T04:36:00.000-07:00

It's obvious that when someone underestimates you, you hate it. No further questions. When people think you are incapable of things that you know you are capable. When people see you lower than them, of course you want to (in Joey's word) rip your hand out just so you have something to throw at them.

However, what if the case is that people overestimate you. They think of you so highly that they expect you to do all these great things. People expect you to be this magic kid who can do anything.

I dare say, it's as annoying as being underestimated and the end result is the same I-want-to-rip-my-hand-out-just-so-I-have-something-to-throw-at-them feeling. *sigh*

Being an 18 years old who is quite professional in being a cocky arrogant bitch, who has been quite successful in making people think that I'm smarter than I really am, I face this overestimation quite often. Right now, I would like to declare to the whole world, borrowing the great Harry Potter (well, J.K. Rowling really)'s word, "Things like that always seem greater than it really is." (for further reference of this sentence, please do read Harry Potter series yourself, and I swear it's a great book, not some part of a Satan Evil Spreading Scheme)

So now, for all people that are being overestimated all the time's sake, I would like to sincerely send my arguments.

First, being overestimated causing people implementing double standard.
Second, like it or not, it makes people being hard on themselves.
Third, it violates their right to slack off.
Fourth, It gives them the urge to kill themselves. (For all debaters out there, I know a fourth point is unnecessary but I promise I won't elaborate on this, and I won't bother proving the burden of prove I just implemented on myself)

On the first point. When someone has done a lot of great things, people think that they are capable of being great all the time therefore they won't accept a so so work. They believe that when they do an imperfect job, they don't give their best on the job. Well, believe it or not, sometimes that IS their best. They don't always know everything. And it is tiring having to be better than others all the time just because they've been better in the past. An acceptable work for others aren't automatically acceptable when these underestimated people do them. People expect them to be brilliant all the time. Stop it. they are humans. Copy that? great.

Second, with all these burdens that people put on them, they are being hard on themselves. With all those expectation that people have, they don't want to disappoint them. They want to fulfill their expectation therefore they always fell that it's not enough. Even when they've done this perfectly great job, they feel that something is still not quite right. Than, they will stuck in that job for a long long time trying to figure out how they can make it better and end up ruining it.

Third, everybody wants to slack off once in a while. People want to stop working so hard now and then and people who are underestimated don't have the luxury to do that. People say that when they do that they're wasting the great talent that they have. Slacking off is apparently unacceptable for these people. Well, it shouldn't.

Fourth, it gives them the urge to kill themselves.

There you have it.
These are sleazy arguments with shitty elaborations. I know. As long as I get the point across, I don't care.

Therefore, I beg to oppose. Propose. Yeah, propose. My proposal is for people stop overestimating those people.
Therefore I beg to propose.

(These arguments are made to show that me, a person who people overestimated all the time, is inherently stupid)

Ps. I've told you before, I'm a cocky arrogant bitch.

Cheers
-me

Quote of the day:
"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. -Dr. Seuss

Human's Biggest Tragedy(ies)

2008-06-06T15:21:00.000-07:00

We all cry
Because we don’t know how to smile
We hate
Because we’ve never been introduced to love
We kill
Because we don’t understand life
We mock
Because we aren’t used to compliment
We hurt
Because we have no idea how to heal
We swear
Because we know no other words
We hide
Because all we know about outside is that it’s dangerous
We distrust
Because we think we’ll get hurt if we believe
We hit
Because a hug feels awkward
We are unfaithful
Because we don’t have any faith in faith no more
We blame
Because it’s easier than an introspection
We are insulted
Because we can’t be grateful
We don’t care
Because what we don’t know won’t hurt us
We choose to believe otherwise
Because truth hits us hard

-me
June 6

Quote of the day:
"If God were alive today, He'd be an atheist."
-Kurt Vonnegut

That is Just the Way It Goes

2008-05-21T22:06:00.000-07:00

She's singing a song
Of a broken heart
Mouthing the words
Of desperation
Longing for a sign of happiness

She's drown in her agony
That has lingered for too long
Waiting for happiness
to come
Day after day

Love come love goes
A smile is not forever
She has a hard time accepting
That is just the way it goes

She's singing a song
Of a broken heart
Mouthing the words
Of desperation
Longing for a sign
Of happiness

She thought she has got it all
Figured out
She knows now
There are so much more
To love than what she thought
And she's looking
She keeps on looking

She's singing a song
Of a broken heart
Mouthing the words
Of desperation
Longing for a sign
Of happiness

-me
in the middle of the night

Making Love with Death

2008-05-15T01:46:00.000-07:00

I have been lonely for so long
Within this hard cold four walls
longing to dance freely among
The stars that flirt when the darkness falls

I'm waiting in vain for love to come
Embracing me with the warmth that he has
Take me out of my feeling of numb
Let me, in his hands, rest

He comes one day through the mist
Smiling with his two hands
Open with a bewitching kiss
Leaving me with an awe so dense

The looks on his eyes saying
He knows just what I need
He caress me who just laying
Letting him to take the lead

He whispers on my ears sweetly
Telling me that this all soon will end
All agony and pain are leaving me
With the one that I expect will mend

As I'm there enjoying his presence
He slowly takes my hand leading the way
And all kinds of pleasures on any sense
Controlling me however they may

I'm going through times and spaces
Without boundary, without limit
I am filled with all graces
Leave all feelings, no more timid

He goes deep into my core
Grabbing all there is to grab
Hopelessness, despair, the feel of sore
All gone just in a snap

The cold tickling me
Spreading all over my body
Leave me, weirdly, warm and fuzzy.
Letting me there, just be

I'm flying out of my body
Reaching for the stars that once
Was a product of my dreams only
I feel like all of me bounce

To a world unknown
Where silence and darkness are all there is
A place with no fear in its ground
Somewhere where smile is not just his

I look at him and nod, finally understand
Finally sure out of question
He is, for sure, the man
To take me to my destination

So in unison with no hesitation
We stand and walk away
Leaving all this for a liberation
As I let myself sway

I'm gone to the darkness that I once longed for
To a place that knows no question
And rest my heart that they once tore
With no expectation or any mission

With love as our blanket
He makes love to me like no one ever
And since that day, me and death
We live happily ever after

-me
05/14/08

Random Rambling of the Day

2008-05-15T00:48:00.000-07:00

Reality is a huge hard wall between your dream and your life.
-me

Don't Love Like The First Snow in the Winter

2008-05-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

Don’t love like the first snow in the winter
Slowly, quietly
Drop by drop
Feels your heart with great excitement
Leaps with joy
Amazes you with the beauty of it
And than go away
Without trace
Leave you wondering when will it come again
The next winter you know
But when exactly
It promises you nothing
It comes and goes as it wants to
And sometimes,
It doesn’t come

You see? The first snow in the winter
Is so beautiful on the surface
Candy for your eyes
Just spreads so pure
White
But when you step on it
You are left with mud
Ruined grass
And you long for the beauty
And the next day you come back
You see the first snow in the winter
Covers the dirt
But you deep down you know
The mud is there waiting for you to step on

And you know, you love the first snow in the winter
Oh, you really do
With all the fun that comes with it
Wonderfully warm in a weird way
You can play all day
Yes, you can
And you love it
Maybe except
Oh, except
Except
It is cold
It touches your face, your arms
And it hurts
Oh, but you love it

The thing is, the first snow in the winter
Traps you inside
Of the cold
The first snow in the winter
Forces you to hide
Inside
Isolated from the world
And when the spring comes
You forget how fun it is outside
You are scared
For you have been trapped for so long
And you trapped inside
Forever

And the first snow in the winter
Is a cheater
It is possessive
It will not let you play with the sun
The rain
The trees
The grass
Yet you know
When it covers you with joy
It covers you with
With
Love?
With love
It also covers many other souls
With the same love it shows for you

See? The first snow in the winter
Forces you to wear jacket
Layers of jackets
It forces you to cover yourself
In a shelter
When you try to touch
The first snow in the winter
With a bare skin
Trying to feel the texture
The shape of it
The feeling inside it
It numbs you
You shiver with cold
It’s stabbing you inside

Don’t love like the first snow in the winter
The first snow in the winter
Leaves you waiting
The whole year
And when it comes
It isn’t as beautiful
As you think it would
As you think it is

So don’t
Love
Like the first
Snow
In the winter

the dog that bites me today will not go away

2008-04-29T01:39:00.001-07:00

The dog bites me today
It bites me hard
Right there on my hand
My legs my neck
I am running away
Panting
Breath by breath
Step by step
Trying to go
Faster and faster
The dog runs faster
Captures me eventually
Shows its disturbing face
It looks so subtle
Nice
One would be tempted
To caress its skin
To embrace its presence
It looks at me
Deep to my very core
Stab right in the hole
That I’ve been trying to cover
I always run away
I stay away
For I always know
It bites
It bites hard when you least expected
No matter where
No matter how
No matter you accept it
Or not
It follows you
Breath deeply behind your neck
Watch your every move
It is you
The dog
Is you
The reality
Is you
You can’t run away from the dog
The dog is there
It’s there
It is a part of you
No matter how many times
You try to close your eyes
And set it aside
It is you
The dog
Is you

Life Does Not Deliver

2008-04-29T01:02:00.000-07:00

Life does not deliver
What it once promised me
Through words of books
Through tunes of songs
Through tales of stories
As lines on my skin added
One would think
I would have found
What I am looking for

I am walking down the path
That once was decided for me
Searching for light
At the end of the tunnel
And I’ll find out
When I find it
If it is the light of the guards
Or the light of the thieves
Getting ready to grab
And take me away
Into the nothingness

Life does not deliver
The best that it has
Despite the illusion
That people hang on to
From one perspective to another
Thinking that they have found
What they call reality

Spring out of their bed
When the sun rises
Without them caring
Living the unlived live
That they are living
Struggle to find
What they are looking for
Without knowing
What they are looking for

Run I am
In the trail of life
Rush through spaces and times
Rush
Rush
Until I find what I am looking for
If I know what I am looking for
When I find what I am looking for

-me

free write from someone who isn't free

2008-04-25T10:37:00.000-07:00

I have just slept for 1 hour for no apparent reason. Now I feel like I'm going to do. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to save me from this god damned situation. I'm fucking tired of this. I need a normal life. I wish I can runaway and just stop doing all this. I hate being like this. I just want to be able to sleep whenever I want to. I just want to be able to rest my thoughts. I just want to be able to feel like my old self once again.

-me

this is where I end up

2008-04-23T19:07:00.000-07:00

Lost in the maze of confusedness
Wondering what today may bring
Walking down the road of mess
Lost in the middle of nothing

Questions are floating all over
With clues that don’t exist
When will I find the answer
Or forever I’ll stay in this mist

I’m losing myself slowly
Self that once was taken for granted
The faces that I knew have changed vividly
Memories that I treasured have slowly faded

Wish I could stop walking in this illusion
And stop looking for what I can’t find
This is a simple complication
But mine is one depressive mind

-me
apr.23 08
home
auburn, WA, USA

The Unfairness of 'God(s)'

2008-04-07T18:25:00.001-07:00

If I never exist
I will not be a human
With all fears and worries and pains
Lost in never ending questions
Without answers
And yet is expected to be faithful

If I never exist
I will not live an empty life
Without purpose
Without knowing why
Without understanding how
and yet is bound to live it

If I never exist
I will not be a sinner
With the shadow of punishment
Above my head
Scared every single moment
Of the prospect of hell
and yet is condemned to do it

If I never exist
I don’t have to live in an endless cycle
Playing the big game
Without knowing the rules
Or when I will win
If I can win
and yet can't get out

If I never exist
I won’t have to live
With inevitable truths
Of how roses have their thorns
And happiness won’t linger
Not even for a while
and yet is forced to believe differently

If I never exist
I won’t have to live up
To the expectations of people
That I don’t even know who
Oblige to live like the dead
Face the world of unjust
and yet is compeled to fulfill it

If I never exist
I don’t have to fight
Neither kills for survival
And lost in the maze
Of unfortunate events
and yet is demanded to be civilized

If I never exist
I won’t be held liable
For the mistakes
That are destined to me
And marked with my blood
and yet is necessitate to stay pure

If only I never exist
I won’t have to endure
The sentence for my offense
That are ensured to be done by me
Since the first day I shredded my tear
and yet is asked to be fair

If only I never exist
I will be the happiest man
There ever is
And yet here I am in my existance

-me
April 7 2008

(Another product of my contemplation with Danny, Lucky, Gora)

An Ode to Our Foolishness

2008-04-07T18:15:00.000-07:00

We are singing
A distant melody
About beauty
That will never be real

Contemplating
On ideals
That forever will only be
The philosophers’ dreams

We are runners
In machines
That we think we are moving
Forward

We are fooled
Deluded
For delusions is much
Prettier
Than the truth

We’re playing
A never ending game
Against time
Against stupidity
Against the declining humanities
Against era
Than again we’re singing
The songs of victory

We’re drown in the jubilation
That we’re blind

We refuse to look
In the mirror
To see what our face has become

We decorate the streets with
Flowers
Ribbons
Confetti

We filled our children’s heads with
Fallacies
Empty hope
Fairy tales

Than again we’re singing
We write beautiful words
To hide what lies beneath

We fail to sense
The enemies surround
Hidden more than ever

Poison our wines
With poisonous herbs
Deceive our children
With tales of evil
Tear our dresses
With the thorns of our own
Roses

We are losing
Our war for humanities
For we have stopped fighting
In the shelter
Of our victory
We deceive ourselves

-me
April 7 2008

(inspired by a series of contemplation with Danny, Lucky, Gora)

the morning light -Part I

2008-02-05T11:56:00.000-08:00

The Morning Light

early that day
a morning light came to me and say
good morning my dear
suddenly all became bright and clear

with a drop of spirit in its hand
and a taste of charm on its lips so grand
its hands wrapped around me so warm
like no one could do any harm

later that day
the morning light looked at me and say
Good bye my baby
with a blink of an eye, away it flee

-me
02/07/08

today

2008-01-24T12:39:00.000-08:00

My ears are deaf and my eyes are blind
Today, I leave all behind
All I can hear is the voice of the new day
The singing of birds all together play
All I can see is the early dew on the ground
When the first wind blows without a sound

In the corner of my space alone I lay
Yesterday, the bloods and the wounds became array
So far away I fly
Far away from the world of thieves and the sly
I keep running to the end of the world that I know
I keep running until I’m panting and my moves become slow

I am a prey
Within my world that fades to grey
My soul longs to go away
But I’m trapped within this world night and day
Paralyzed completely deep to the soul
Watching as my world became foul

I have stayed in the back of my mind
Until I mush with all those kind
Bloods and sorrows and tears
How so I can leave all that and fears
I have to runaway I know I have to
Before my soul become hole and damp too

I sit in the center of my space
Waiting for someone to take me away without a trace
Years pass by and I’m still here
Soul wears off and feels no more
I close my eyes slowly
To help my soul that hurts severely

And than cold and numb my body be
My soul finally set to free
I hear the voices of children crying
As I fly away, they are fading
I feel the pain on my heart lifted
As slowly, my soul is shifted

My ears are deaf and my eyes are blind
Today, I leave all behind
Bloods and sorrows and tears
I leave all that and fears
I close my eyes to help my soul slowly
And finally rest I am in serenity

-me
January 25
00.30

"Everything you can imagine is real."
Pablo Picasso

Selamat Sore, Pak Polisi!

2008-01-02T11:44:00.000-08:00

“Selamat sore, Pak Polisi.”
“Nama?”
“Ngatno, Pak Polisi.”
“Alamat?”
“Jalan Perkampungan Kumuh No. 13, Pak Polisi.”
“Nama bapak situ siapa?”
“Paidjo, Pak Polisi.”
“Orang miskin, ya?!”
“Oh, nggak Pak Polisi.”
“Kerjaan bapak kamu?!”
“Tukang parkir, Pak Polisi.”
“Memangnya jadi tukang parkir, kaya?!”
“Loh, iya pak..
Kaya
kan
rel…”
“DIAM KAMU! Jangan banyak omong!”
“Baik, Pak Polisi.”
“Ngapain kamu?”
“Diam, Pak Polisi.”
“GOBLOK! Ngapain kamu sampai dibawa ke sini?”
“Nyolong, Pak Polisi.”
“Dasar orang miskin! Nyolong apa?!”
“Ayam, Pak Polisi.”
“Ayam saja dicolong!”
“Maaf, Pak Polisi.”
“Ayamnya buat apa?”
“Dijual, Pak Polisi.”
“Duitnya?!”
“Buat bawa anak berobat, Pak Polisi.”
“Dasar orang miskin!”
“Maaf, Pak Polisi.”
“Ya sudah! Kamu masuk penjara!”
“Berapa lama, Pak Polisi?”
“Seribu tahun!”

***

“Selamat sore, Pak Polisi.”
“Selamat sore, Pak. Maaf, kalau boleh tahu, nama panjang bapak, siapa?”
“Toni Moeharto.”
“Oh, iya, baik, Pak. Kalau alamat bapak?”
“Jalan Perumahan Elit No. 1.”
“Nama bapak atau orang tua, Pak?”
“Pak Roni Moeharto.”
“Maaf, Pak. Tolong dijawab, pekerjaannya Pak Roni Moeharto, apa, Pak?
“Dulu pengusaha, tapi sudah pensiun. Bapak saya orang kaya. Punya rumah 7. Perusahaannya, tersebar di seluruh Indonesia. Anak perusahaannya lebih dari 200 perusahaan. Investasi di mana-mana. Baru kemarin dia beli perkebunan kelapa sawit. Mobilnya yang….”

Dua jam kemudian.

“Pokoknya, bapak saya itu kaya lah.”
“Oh, iya Pak.”
“Apa lagi?”
“Begini Pak. Kalau saya oleh tahu, bapak kenapa bisa dibawa kemari?”
“Korupsi.”
“Maaf, Pak. Berapa banyak?
“Tiga ratus
lima puluh
enam triliun.”
“Oh, untuk apa ya Pak, uangnya?”
“Untuk keliling dunia, makan enak, untuk anak dan istri. Belanja.”
“Oh, iya.”
“Oh iya melulu! Terus gimana?”
“Oh, iya. Begini, Pak. Karena bapak bersalah korupsi, Bapak harus mendapat hukuman. Bapak harus ditahan, Pak.”
“Berapa lama?”
“Tiga tahun, Pak.”

***

“Tujuh belas Agustus tahun empat

lima…”
“Selamat pagi, Pak Toni Moeharto. Anda mendapat remisi.”
“Berapa bulan?”
“Tiga puluh bulan, Pak.”
“Dua setengah tahun?”
“Iya, Pak. Karena berkelakuan baik.”
“Oh, iya. Makasih. Jadi saya sudah boleh keluar?”

“Besok, Pak.”
“Maaf, Pak Polisi, saya dapat remisi tidak?”
“Nama?”
”Ngatno.”
“Nggak!"
”Kenapa, Pak?”
“Sudah kebanyakan yang dikasih remisi!”

***

“Pak Toni, selamat datang kembali ke perusahaan kita.”
“Terima kasih.”
“Kami sudah membuat pesta selamat datang atas kebebasan bapak.”
“Oh, iya, iya.”
“Senang sekali bertemu dengan bapak lagi.”
“Oh, iya.”
“Kolega-kolega bapak sudah tidak sabar untuk bekerja sama lagi dengan bapak.”
“Bagus, bagus. Kekayaan saya tidak diapa-apakan?”
“Tidak, Pak.”
“Bagus.”

***

“Heh, maling! Kamu sudah bebas?”
“Sudah. Maaf, Pak. Saya mau melamar pekerjaan.”
“Kamu pikir saya mau kasih kerjaan maling kayak kamu?”
“Maaf, Pak.”

“Sana, pergi!”
---
“Permisi, Pak.”
“Ya?"
“Saya mau cari pekerjaan. Apa saja saya mau.”
“Saya ogah mempekerjakan maling kayak kamu!”

---
“Permi…”
”Heh! Maling! Ngapain kamu ke sini?! PERGI!”

***

“Pak, anakmu sakit. Butuh uang.”
“Bapak, saya sudah ditagih uang sekolah.”
“Pak, tagihan listrik sudah menumpuk.”
“Bapak, saya lapar.”
“Pak!”
“Bapak!”
“Pak!”
“Bapak!”

***

“Saya nanti alihkan perhatiannya, kamu masuk lewat pintu samping.”
“Kamu yakin pintu samping nggak ada yang jaga?”
“Yakin! Kamu penakut amat sih No?”
“Saya takut dipenjara lagi.”
”Sudah, aman! Ayo! Satu, dua, tiga! Lari!”
Trap, trap, trap.
Kriet.
Bruk!
Gubrak!
“MALING!!!!”
“Dasar maling!”
“Gebukin aja!”
“Ampun!”
“Dasar maling! Sekali maling tetap maling!”
“Sudah! Bakar saja!”
“Ni korek!”
“Ni bensin!”
Byur!
Cres!
”Aaaaah!!!”
“MAMPUS LO! DASAR MALING!”
“Kebenaran menang!”
“Menang kebenaran!”
“Hukum sudah berdiri!”
“Sudah berdiri hukum!”
“Keadilan ditegakkan!”
“Ditegakkan keadilan!”

***
Nyawa sang maling melayang.
Harta sang koruptor mengembang.
Dunia bersenang-senang.
Atas keadilan yang katanya sudah menang.

13/05/07
-me
was in my friendster blog

Dara Tidak Bisa Terbang

2008-01-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

Banyak hal yang Dara tidak suka. Contohnya es krim. Dara tidak suka es krim. Karena gigi Dara rusak dan semuanya ngilu kalau makan es krim. Dara juga tidak suka laki-laki. Karena kata Dara, laki-laki hanya membawa masalah.

Dara tidak suka laki-laki. Karena laki-laki bodoh. Itu kata Dara. Contohnya ayah. Ayah tidak bisa apa-apa. Dan ayah tidak peduli. Dara juga tidak peduli. Ayah hanya bisa lari. Ayah hanya bisa pergi. Mabuk dan pergi meninggalkan luka. Ayah hanya bisa menyakiti ibu. Dara tidak suka ibu. Ibu payah.

Dara tidak suka ibu. Karena ibu tidak pernah membelanya. Ibu hanya diam melihat Dara dipukuli. Dara tidak suka ibu. Dara ingin ibu berteriak. Membelanya. Atau menarik tangannya dan membawanya pergi. Dara suka itu. Ibu hanya bisa menangis. Dara tidak suka menangis. Menangis itu lemah.

Dara tidak suka menangis. Menangis itu sia-sia Dara bilang. Menangis hanya menambah luka. Dan mengasihani diri sendiri tidak berguna. Dara tidak pernah menangis. Karena Dara tidak diijinkan untuk menangis. Setiap Dara menangis, Dara dihukum. Dara hanya diam. Karena Dara tidak suka bicara. Bicara tidak mengungkapkan apa-apa.

Dara tidak suka bicara. Menurut Dara, dunia ini sudah terlalu penuh dengan sampah-sampah omong kosong. Dara bicara hanya beberapa kali dalam sehari. Karena Dara bilang, terlalu banyak bicara omong kosong membuat otak jadi goblok. Tapi mungkin juga karena tak ada yang bisa diajak bicara. Dara kesepian. Dan Dara tidak suka kesepian. Mungkin sedikit suka.

Dara tidak suka sendirian. Karena sendirian membuat kita gila. Sendirian membuat kita merasa mau meledak. Tapi Dara sering sendirian. Tapi Dara belum meledak. Belum juga gila. Mungkin sedikit gila. Mungkin juga Dara suka sendirian. Semuanya tidak pasti. Dara tidak suka ketidak pastian. Ketidak pastian hanya untuk orang sakit.

Dara tidak suka ketidak pastian. Ketidak pastian berarti pertanyaan. Pertanyaan tidak berguna. Apa yang tidak ketahui tidak akan membuat kita terluka. Ketidak tahuan itu bagus. Jadi kenapa harus ada pertanyaan? Dara tidak suka bertanya. Karena tidak tahu berarti aman. Dan Dara suka rasa aman. Walaupun Dara tidak pernah merasa aman. Tapi ketidak tahuan berbeda dengan ketidak pastian. Ketidak pastian berarti menunggu. Dan Dara tidak suka menunggu. Dara bilang menunggu itu perbuatan gila.

Dara tidak suka menunggu. Menunggu hanya untuk yang di bawah. Mengapa harus menunggu? Dara sudah cukup menunggu selama hidupnya. Dan Dara sudah cukup gila. Menunggu kebebasan. Sampai Dara putuskan untuk mendapatkan kebebasannya sendiri. Sudah cukup bukti untuk Dara. Bahwa menunggu tak akan ada hasilnya. Itu kebenaran yang Dara tahu. Dara tidak suka kebenaran. Kebenaran menyakitkan.

Dara tidak suka kebenaran. Kebenaran adalah kata yang penuh kebohongan. Semua kebenaran selalu diselipi kebohongan. Itu di dunia Dara. Dara akan percaya apa yang dia mau. Tak peduli benar atau tidak. Karena Dara bilang kebenaran dan kebohongan sekarang sama. Rupanya Dara tidak percaya lagi. Dara tidak suka ketidak percayaan. Ketidak percayaan menyiksa.

Dara tidak suka ketidak percayaan. Ketidak percayaan melemahkan. Tapi Dara tak bisa apa-apa. Buat Dara tidak ada pilihan. Semuanya terlalu palsu. Ketidak percayaan melemahkan. Kepercayaan lebih melemahkan. Maka Dara harus tidak percaya. Dan Dara tidak suka keharusan. Keharusan adalah penjara.

Dara tidak suka keharusan. Dara muak dengan keharusan. Seumur hidupnya Dara hidup dengan kata harus. Dara mau hidup dengan caranya sendiri. Dara lelah dengan aturan-aturan yang dibuat orang lain. Dara bilang cukup. Ini hidup Dara. Dara tidak suka hidup. Hidup melelahkan untuk Dara.

Dara tidak suka hidup. Hidup untuk Dara bukan mencapai kebahagiaan. Hidup untuk Dara berarti bertahan. Hidup Dara adalah kemalangan. Karena Dara tidak tahu bagaimana hidup bahagia selamanya. Karena Dara ditakdirkan untuk menderita. Mungkin hari Dara dimulai saat Dara tidur. Tapi Dara juga tidak suka tidur. Tidur membuat Dara tidak awas.

Dara tidak suka tidur. Tidur tidak juga melepaskan lelah. Karena dalam tidur otak Dara tetap bekerja. Dan mimpi-mimpi Dara tidak membantu. Mimpi buruk membuat Dara lebih lelah. Mimpi indah membuat Dara ingin mati. Ingin mati berarti keputus asaan. Putus asa berarti akhir.
Dara tidak suka putus asa. Dara tidak boleh putus asa. Bila putus asa Dara berakhir. Karena Dara hidup karena Dara. Keputus asaan adalah kejatuhan. Dan Dara tidak mau jatuh. Putus asa juga bagian dari omong kosong. Putus asa adalah sakit. Jelas Dara tidak suka sakit. Sakit adalah sakit.

Dara tidak suka sakit. Dara sudah cukup merasakan sakit. Seumur hidupnya dia hanya merasa sakit. Fisik dan mental. Dara ingin muntah. Semua sakitnya mematikan emosinya. Tapi Dara tidak keberatan. Karena Dara tidak suka emosi. Emosi sampah.

Dara tidak suka emosi. Emosi membuat Dara hancur. Dara bertahan tanpa emosi. Emosi adalah coreng. Dara cuma mau jauh-jauh dari emosi. Emosi membuat orang menangis. Emosi membuat orang tertawa. Emosi membuat orang berteriak. Dara tidak suka berteriak. Berteriak menghabiskan tenaga.

Dara tidak suka berteriak. Berteriak tak ada gunanya. Dara percaya tidak ada yang mendengarnya berteriak. Berteriak hanya membuat Dara makin tersiksa. Berteriak bisa membuat Dara disangka gila. Dan itu bisa menimbulkan cerita. Dara tidak suka cerita. Cerita identik dengan dongeng.

Dara tidak suka cerita. Dara tidak ingin mendengar cerita. Dara jarang sekali mendengar cerita. Tapi Dara ingat. Cerita tentang upik abu yang menikah dengan pangeran karena bantuan peri pelindung. Tapi Dara belajar. Dalam hidup yang panjang dan menyakitkan, peri pelindung tidak ada. Paling tidak, tidak untuk Dara. Dara adalah pengecualian. Cerita hanya membuat kita berharap. Harapan-harapan kosong. Dara juga tidak suka harapan-harapan kosong. Membuat kita buta.

Dara tidak suka harapan-harapan kosong. Harapan-harapan kosong menghempaskan kita dengan menyakitkan. Dara sering berurusan dengan harapan-harapan kosong. Harapan-harapan yang membuat Dara melayang untuk kemudian menghempaskannya. Dara mulai belajar kata-kata, ‘semakin tinggi kita terbang semakin sakit jatuhnya.” Dara tidak ingin jatuh. Maka Dara tidak mencoba terbang.

Tahu apa yang Dara suka? Dara suka menghilang. Dara suka menghilangkan eksistensinya. Dara suka menjadi angin. Dara suka tidak ada.

Masih banyak yang Dara tidak suka. Tapi hidup bukan pilihan. Dara terpaksa makan es krim kapan itu karena tidak ada makanan lain. Dara harus berurusan dengan banyak laki-laki. Dara harus mengurus ibu. Dara sering menangis dalam tidurnya walaupun dia tidak mau. Dara harus bicara karena Dara hidup. Dara harus menghabiskan hampir seluruh hidupnya dalam kesendirian karena Dara tidak punya siapa-siapa. Dara hidup dalam ketidak pastian sebenci apapun dia pada ketidak pastian. Dara menunggu seumur hidupnya dalam penantian tanpa akhir. Dara juga hidup dalam kebenaran bahwa hidup itu tidak adil. Dara tidak percaya pada siapa pun atau apa pun seberapa pun keinginannya untuk percaya. Dara hidup hidup dalam keharusan-keharusan yang terus ada. Dara hidup walaupun setengah mati dia ingin mati. Dara tidur setiap malam karena alam mengatakan begitu. Dara putus asa setiap hari dan setiap detik hidupnya. Dara sakit kemarin, flu, dan Dara sakit hati sejak dia lahir. Dara merasakan banyak emosi dalam hidupnya walaupun Dara tidak mengakuinya. Dara seringkali harus berteriak karena orang-orang terlalu tuli untuk mendengar. Dara mendengar banyak cerita setiap harinya walaupun dia menolak untuk mendengar. Dara berdiri di atas harapan-harapan kosong sejak dulu mungkin sampai dia mati.

Dan Dara tidak bisa menghilang.

note: thanks to Dara. a Little girl at "kampung Doank" that gave me the inspiration.
wish u a good life, kiddo. A better one than this Dara's

-me
was in my friendster blog

Golden Compass

2007-12-24T02:01:00.000-08:00

The movie Golden Compass, an adaptation from the book, “His Dark Material” by Philip Pullman, is talked all over the world. All because of the controversy that surrounds it. Some people want to ban the movie because it’s considered promoting hatred towards God and Catholic Church.

This is not the first time such controversies happen to a movie or book, especially the ones that are targeted for children. Harry Potter, Spongebob Squarepants, Teletubbies, Pokemon were all going through the same rejections. Many part of society accused them as the tool of evil, promoting homosexuality, or exploiting sexuality.
Golden Compass will be released on December 2007. The Catholic Church believes that the story is an attempt to contaminate children’s minds with atheist thoughts and teaching them to kill God. Moreover, the movie has been seen as an action against the Catholic Church.

I haven’t seen the movie. Neither have I read the book. It just frustrates me how we often overanalyze a work in a negative way. People keep trying to find signs, symbols, or anything that can prove their worries that a movie or book will give a bad influence to the society. Unfortunately, most of the times, we see what we want to see. Church sees the tool of Satan in almost every story and anti gays sees the homosexual’s symbols everywhere; most of the times where there is none.
It is appalling how we can see or look for negative signs in almost everything. I was shocked when I first read a discussion about Spongebob Squarepants. It said that Spongebob’s eyes and nose resemble male’s private therefore it’s dangerous for children. I stared at the Spongebob’s picture right next to the article and thought for hours how could they get to that conclusion. Even after I read that discussion, I still only see two eyes and a nose, let alone the children. There’s also a discussion about Spongebob’s sexuality. Many think that Spongebob is a homosexual because Spongebob is holding hand with its friend, Patrick the starfish, and they think it’s bad. For all I know, they are just trying to teach friendship to the children.

Furthermore, I understand that the author of The Dark Material, Philip Pullman, sends his message more explicitly. According to reviews, in that story God is pictured vulnerable and Catholic Church is pictured as the antagonist. I agree that many people might be offended by that. However, I still believe in freedom of expression. If we have to limit a freedom of expression because someone might be offended by that, we can never express anything. Any words we say, any thoughts we have are potentially offending others. Expressing one’s beliefs is different from promoting hatred. It’s the author’s right to express that he doesn’t believe in God or that he believes that God is vulnerable and mortal. What’s not right is if he expresses that we have to hate and discriminate others who believe in God.

In addition, banning this movie and book itself is discrimination. We see stories about Christianity and religious values all the time. As a democratic country, we respect every beliefs including atheism. When we are able to teach our Children about religions, why can’t they know that atheism as a belief exist? It is terrible how we see other’s value as a mistake. It’s terrible how some people think that having a homosexual character in a cartoon is dangerous when we have heterosexual characters all the time.

Finally, everything has potential harms, especially those that are targeted for children. Every work has free space for interpretation. Adults have their own filtration, but children don’t. That’s why parental advisory for children is important. Yes, we have to protect our children. Discriminate values that are not the same with ours is not protecting. It teaches them that when we’re different, we’re enemies. Our world can’t afford more of that.

-me
*published in 'The Current', December 2007

work to live or live to work

2007-12-05T12:55:00.000-08:00

It’s a basic question that I, personally, ask my self everyday.
Do I work to live, or live to work?
Do I study hard to get a higher education to have a sufficient job to have a good life, or live to study hard to get a higher education and have a job?

Than I can’t help but think: than why do I spend 12 years in school, 3-4 years in college, and who knows what will I be when I graduate?

I see people around me work really hard to get a better job, higher salary, and God knows what else that they spend literally 24/7 of their life working that they have no life anymore.
If they don’t even enjoy it, than what for?

Some people say to be successful.
What is success?

success
suc’cess
achievement of intention
the achievement of something planned or attempted.
(Encarta Dictionary: English (North America))

I completely agree with that dictionary.
Success is when u get what u want.
If u want to have a huge mansion with a Porsche and Ferrari in ur garage, and u have them, u are successful.
If u want to be free and live in the street and u do, u are successful.

Another question is: why do we want to be successful?
For me, to be successful is to have a good life so I can enjoy my life.
So if to be successful u have to throw away ur life because u’re too busy working and studying and attempting to be successful, than what’s the point?

Our parents work hard so we can get a good education and a good life.
We get a good education but we’re too busy studying to get to a higher education so someday we can have a good job where we can work hard so our children can get a good education and a good life that we don’t have the chance to enjoy the good life.
So do our children and so on and so forth.
Where will it stop?

If u are a rich businessman who’s never home to see ur family and u’re satisfied, u are successful.
If u are a rich businessman who’s never home to see ur family and u feel terrible for it, u have a sad life.

If u are underpaid but u love ur job and u love every single second of ur life, u’re successful.
If u are underpaid and u hate ur job and u’re dying to get more money, u need a new job.

If u are a straight A student but u have no social life, but u enjoy it cause u’re not a social person anyway, u’re successful.
If u are a straight A student but u have no social life cause u’re stuck in ur room having a date with ur calculus textbook, and u curse every second of it and u wish u’re out with ur friends, get a life and be happy with a B.

So, yes, as cliché as it is, success IS relative.
From what I know and see,

Most people spend 15-20 years of their life studying hard.
Than they spend 30 years or so working hard.
Than when they finally have the time to enjoy all that, they’re too old and too boring to do anything.
What's the point?

I don’t want to be that person.

For me, my stance is firm.
I work to live.
I study hard to get a higher and better education to have a sufficient job to have a good life. Not vice versa.

Dream big, and make it real.
But don’t throw away ur life.
I believe it's not worth it.

-me

di negeri jauh di sana

2007-11-29T15:17:00.000-08:00

di sana di negeri jauh di sana
seorang bayi menangis merana
tuan, nyonya, ia lapar
tuan dan nyonya berjalan tak mendengar
seorang wanita menangis menjerit
sakit, katanya, sakit!
mendengar bayinya menangis
lalu dagangannya tak kunjung laris

tentara berbaris, tentara di mana-mana
seorang berjaga tapi terlena
peluru berdesir mencari mangsa
demi nama sebuah bangsa
tentara menjerit perih
lukanya tak kunjung pulih
perempuan menangis di samping sang suami
yang tergeletak mencium bumi

darah! di mana-mana darah
negerinya terluka parah
yang benar jadi salah
yang membela kebenaran harus menyerah
mereka yang kecil tak dibela
penguasa! penguasa merajalela
mengendap-endap mereka mencari
milik bangsa yang dapat dicuri

nuraninya semua mati
bangsa tak lagi punya hati
ah, bumi menangis muram
menjerit marah menghujam
karena moral yang dikuras
demi segenggam emas
bayi-bayi menangis lara
ayah bunda pergi berbagai cara

bangsanya sakit
di mana-mana banyak parasit
mereka harus sembuh
penguasa malah bertaruh
pedang menghujam kesana kemari
katanya demi harga diri
tapi bukan milik bangsa
hanya kekayaan penguasa

ah, semuanya terlalu perih
ayo pergi mereka kita raih
ah, tapi untuk apa
kita bersusah-susah, mengapa
ah, kan semuanya di sana
hanya di negeri jauh di sana

-me
11/29/07
for the world

tapi tahukah kamu?

2007-11-25T20:04:00.000-08:00

aku tahu ketika aku melangkah perlahan-lahan
melewati rimba belantara
dan hutan-hutan beton di tengah kota
kamu memandang setiap langkah kakiku
yang berrima perlahan mengetuk satu persatu

aku tahu ketika aku terdiam memandang masa depan
tenggelam dalam pikiran
dan aku berpikir bahwa aku sendirian
kamu berharap bisa duduk di sampingku
dan memandang masa kita berlalu

aku tahu ketika malam semakin larut
dan bintang-bintang mulai menari
dan aku entah kemana tak dapat dicari
kamu berdoa aku ada bersamamu
dan kita bernyanyi bersama sebuah lagu

tapi tahukah kamu bahwa aku menunggu?
agar kamu mulai melangkah bersamaku satu persatu?
sampai kamu duduk di sampingku?
dan akhirnya kita bernyanyi sebuah lagu aku bersamamu?

-me
11/25/07

Living in the bubbles

2007-11-25T18:12:00.000-08:00

I've just recently learn that we are living still living in little bubbles
that isolate us from each others.
These bubbles have many variations.
They're called many things.
Religion
race
skin color
gender
heritage
accent
nationality
age
many many things
we live in these bubbles and refuse to interact with others.

I'm not only talking about discrimination
(although unfortunately
as I write these words
discriminations are still happening
and as disturbing as ever.)
But I also talk about daily basis.
when we're interact with others.
most people can't help but see each other's backgrounds.

Everywhere u see people with the same skin colors flock together.
People with the same heritage flock together.
People with the same nationality flock together.
Because that's where they are feel safe, secure.

We are too afraid to come out of our bubbles and live in the real world.
Where we ARE different.
and its GREAT.

Its time to ask ourselves.
Why can't we feel secure with people from different background?
Why can't we see someone of what they are?

Its time to open ourselves
get out of our little bubbles
and live with others
as a fellow human beings.

If we can live in the big wide world
why prefer to live in little bubbles?

-me
"The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing"
Socrates

Grow Old with You

2007-11-06T20:52:00.000-08:00

I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you
Feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

This is my favorite song ever.
Since when I first heard it 3 or 4 years ago
on the radio.

Those words are more powerful than:
“I’ll cross the ocean for u.”
“I’ll love u till the day I day.”

To love someone is:
To make them smile whenever they’re sad although they said they don’t need you.
Be patience when their arthritis is bad.
Get them medicine even when they get cranky because they’re sick.
Spare time to build a fire if the furnace breaks.

Give them ur coat even if it means u will get cold.
Let them hold the remote control even when your favorite football team is on. This is the hardest one.

Be happy to do the dishes.
Put them to bed when they’ve had too much to drink instead of yelling at them.

To love someone is to grow old with them through goods and bads just for the sake of being with them.

now that's what I call true love.

-me

Quote of the day:
"The greatest things you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
Christian -Moulin Rouge

Fairy Tales

2007-11-03T19:40:00.000-07:00

For years
fairy love stories such as Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty,
are retold over and over again.
somehow people think that those stories
are examples of true love
people expect those stories
will teach their children
-whom they read it to-
love, passion, hopes.

but these stories are bullshit.
If those people who made it
want to teach children a precious lesson,

they have to start the story with
'Cinderella is an ugly, poor, and selfish bastard.'
and end it with
'but the prince love her anyway.'
What's up with pretty, perfect princesses in those stories.
No one is that good in real world.
wake up.

they have to let the princesses do something.
If all u do is crying and daydreaming
like Cinderella does,
u won't get anything.
If all u do is sleeping
like Aurora does,
u won't get anywhere.
If all u do is singing, calling the birdies, and eating poisonous apple from STRANGERs
like Snow White does,
u will die.
U have to make it happen.
U can't just sitting around
and hope fate, magic, and ur prince charming
will do everything for u.
wake up.

they have to let the princess and prince charming
know each other.
people are crazy
if they see each other for one minute
kissed, and get married, and live happily ever after.
and by the way, they get married because the prince think that the princess is cute.
thats not love, thats lust.
and also,
being together is never the end.
its the beginning.
wake up.

u may think I'm a pessimist
but no, I'm a realist.

and thats the truth.

don't let ur children down when they realize that they aren't perfect like Belle
don't let them down when they realize they can't have everything
don't let them down when they realize the guy that just flirt with them already have a wife

that's life

just wake up.

-me

Quote of the day:
"We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are."
Anais Nin

The Boy in The Striped Pyjamas

2007-11-02T13:42:00.000-07:00

Just finished read this book a few days ago.
It's one of the best story I've ever read in my life.

It's a story about NAZI
with an angle that I'd never found before.

I'm not going to give u a synopsis on this book
because the book doesn't want anyone to make a synopsis about it
and a synopsis will just ruin this book.
I agree on that point.

I'm just going to say
that this is a powerful book.
Told in a very innocent way
It will touch your heart.

This book is about holocaust
but it will teach u much more
about prejudice
about violence
about the world.
from the perspective of a boy.

It will remind u
how simple the world was
when we were just a kid.

How everything defined
based on what we felt
and not what we saw.

I think
this is the most thrilling story
about holocaust
that has ever been told.

to see it from the perspective
of a little boy,
u're going to be shocked
of what human kind has become.

-me

Quote of the day
The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children.
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Imagine

2007-11-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

What is religion?
From what I was told
Religion is rules.
Religion is something that suppose to make our world put in order.
Religion is something that supposes to make our world peaceful.

The unfortunate thing is
Human beings are so great
That they have succeeded to change something with such a noble intention into the axis of evil.

The one thing that all religions
That I know of at least, taught is for us to love.
They never tell us to kill, hate, or discriminate one another.

And yet what we see today
We kill each other FOR THE SAKE OF RELIGION
We hate each other FOR THE SAKE OF RELIGION
We discriminate one another FOR THE SAKE OF RELIGION.

When we call our brother names, it’s in the name of our God.
When we point our sword to our sister, it’s because God wants us to.
Every now and then we declare our crusade.
Do you really believe that God wants us to be the way we are?
To kill
To hate

Everyday, someone will say
“You don’t pray the same way as I do
You don’t go to the same pray house as I do
We can’t be friends.
No, we can’t share the same planet.
Because you don’t believe in the same God as I do.”

Isn’t that ridiculous?

So what is religion?
And why does it have to define us.

If there’s no such thing as religion
Will the world be a better place?

Like John Lennon once said,
“and the world will be as one.”

NATIONALISM

2007-10-31T23:23:00.000-07:00

Do you love your country?

I do.

I used to hate my country.
I really did.
I thought the bureaucracy was suck
I thought the leaders were stupid
I thought the policies were mindless

One day, I had this talk with a friend
A good friend
We talked about our country
And its entire lack ness

I said, "When I grown up, I don't want to live here. I will live in another country."
And she said, “I’m going to go far, than come back here someday, and make it better. I want to do something about it.”

Than I realized that I want to do something for my country too
I want to do anything I can
And I realized that what I hate was
the bureaucracy,
the leaders
the policies
the people, though I just realized that not all people are mindless
but not the country itself

On my relatively young age
I’ve traveled a lot
All of it for a quite long time
And I met many people from many countries
When I was with them
I realized that I want them to respect my country
I want to be on my best behavior so they will see me as the representative of my country
And make them respect it
I want to make my country proud.

I still think that the bureaucracy sucks
I still think that the leaders are stupid
I still think that the policies are worthless
And I want to make it better

I’ve met, seen, known a lot of GREAT people that come from my country

And I believe together, we can make a difference.

I love my country
I want to make it different
Because its my home
My shelter
My identity
Its far from perfect but its home

My country is INDONESIA
And I love it.

What’s yours?
Do you love it?

You have to.

Don't let it make a gap between people
and define who we are ,what we are
But let that be a variety
that makes our world a better place
-me

.: For Ria, thanks for that talk that really change me as a person. I mean it. :.

Quote of the day:
"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country."
-John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Aku Mencela Dunia

2007-10-29T20:03:00.000-07:00

Dunia menilai apa yang aku lakukan. Dunia memandang dan mencela aku. Dunia mendikte identitasku. Aku lelah dengan dunia.

Ibadah. Orang bilang bahwa ibadah terlalu membosankan. Tapi toh aku datang juga ke rumah-rumah ibadah. Karena ibuku bilang aku harus. Dengar ceramah, berdoa, minta ini itu kepada Tuhanku yang berbeda dengan tuhan-tuhan yang lain.
Setiap malam sebelum tidur aku berdoa. “Terima kasih Tuhan untuk pimpinanmu, dan pimpin lagi malam ini, juga besok pagi.” Mungkin Tuhan juga tertidur mendengar doaku yang sama setiap malam seperti aku tertidur di gereja. Tapi toh aku berdoa juga setiap malam, setiap mau makan, dan setiap bangun pagi. Karena dunia bilang kita harus berdoa.
Aku menjauhi seks bebas. Aku anti terhadap narkoba. Aku tidak pernah bicara kasar. Aku mengasihi orang lain. Aku menghormati ayah dan ibuku. Aku berdoa. Aku rajin ke gereja. Aku tidak minum minuman keras. Aku menjauhi pesta-pesta nista. Aku orang beragama. Karena ayah dan ibuku pun begitu.
Hidupku sempurna.
Aku sempurna.
Aku menjauhi dosa.
Lalu dunia memandangku sinis dan berkata bahwa aku sok suci. Dunia menjauhiku karena aku berbeda dengan mereka. Dunia berkata bahwa aku berpura-pura. Dunia menilaiku rendah karena aku tidak sesuai dengan standar mereka.
Dunia menertawakanku ketika aku berjalan membawa kitab suci. Dunia menertawakan baju-bajuku yang menutupi aurat. Dunia menertawakanku yang pergi beribadah ketika mereka bersenang-senang.
Dunia
mencela
aku.

Lalu aku bosan dengan hidupku yang monoton. Aku bosan menjadi orang baik-baik. Aku berhenti beribadah. Aku berhenti berdoa dan berharap Tuhan sudah hafal dengan doa-doaku. Aku sudah mengulangnya berulang-ulang kali.
Ibuku bilang aku harus ibadah lagi. Aku bilang tidak perlu aku masih ingat rasanya ke gereja.
Ayahku bilang aku harus terus berdoa. Aku bilang tidak perlu, Tuhan sudah bosan dengan pengulangan-pengulangan yang sama.
Aku tidak lagi mendengarkan lagu-lagu rohani. Sekarang aku duniawi. Aku bebas tanpa harus mempertahankan nilai-nilai beragama.
Lalu dunia memandangku sinis dan berkata bahwa aku orang berdosa. Mereka menunjuk-nunjukku dan berkata aku pantas masuk neraka. Dunia berdoa untukku agar aku bertobat.
Dunia mencelaku yang menjauh dari Tuhanku. Dunia mencelaku ketika aku bersenang-senang di hari-hari aku harus beribadah. Dunia memandangku curiga ketika aku makan tanpa mengucap syukur.
Dunia
mencela
aku.

Aku harus jadi ini.
Aku harus jadi itu.
Ini salah.
Itu juga salah.
Tapi ini lebih baik daripada itu.
Tapi kadang itu lebih baik daripada ini.
Dunia tak tahu apa-apa.

Aku benci asap rokok. Membuatku batuk dan sesak. Aku tidak mau merokok. Sudah cukup aku mendengar cerita-cerita mengerikan tentang rokok. Aku takut rokok. Aku takut orang yang merokok. Mereka menyodorkan asap yang bisa membunuhku perlahan-lahan.
Sekelilingku penuh dengan asap. Aku sesak. Asap itu kotor, bau. Asap itu noda. Noda di bajuku, noda di paru-paruku. Aku tak mengerti kenapa mereka mau merokok.
Paru-paruku bersih. Aku akan hidup lebih lama dari mereka. Aku bahagia.
Lalu dunia memangdangku sinis dan berkata aku membosankan. Rokok itu keren. Dunia bilang merokok itu lambang eksistensiku.
Dunia menjauhiku ketika aku menutup hidung menjauhi asap. Dunia menjauhiku ketika aku terbatuk mencium aroma rokok. Dunia menjauhiku ketika aku menolak mendefinisikan eksistensiku dengan sebatang kertas.
Dunia
mencela
aku.

Dunia menarikku dari segala arah. Mengajakku bergabung dengan definisinya. Aku tak bisa bertahan. Setiap hari aku ditawari rokok. Dari rokok tipis yang mahal sampai rokok murahan yang biasa dibeli buruh-buruh di jalanan.
Sampai akhirnya aku menerima. Penawaran mereka terlalu banyak. Aku kalah. Isapan pertamaku seperti neraka. Selanjutnya surga dunia. Aku ketagihan. Asap. Asap. Aku mau lagi asap. Rasanya seperti bernafas. Aromanya memenuhiku, mengisi tubuhku. Aku tak bisa lagi bertahan tanpanya. Aku membutuhkannya.
Sekali lagi aku menemukan surga. Aku puas. Batang-batang tipis itu memuaskanku.
Lalu dunia memandangku sinis dan berkata aku bodoh. Aku bodoh membiarkan rokok-rokok itu merusakku. Mereka bilang aku akan cepat mati dan itu salahku sendiri.
Dunia menyingkirkanku ketika aku menghabiskan uangku untuk membeli rokok. Dunia menyingkirkanku karena mereka bilang aku merugikan orang lain. Dunia menyingkirkanku dengan kebutuhanku. Dunia menyingkirkanku karena mereka bilang aku nakal.
Dunia
mencela
aku.

Dunia berubah-ubah seenaknya. Dunia bersikap seenaknya. Tapi katanya aku tak boleh seenaknya. Dunia menciptakan aturannya sendiri. Dunia memaksaku menjadi sepertinya, mengikuti aturannya.

Aku masih orang baik-baik. Aku masih orang terhormat. Aku masih benci seks bebas. Aku tak pernah senggama. Aku bersih dari cela-cela itu.
Aku melihat orang-orang di sekelilingku. Tangan-tangan meraba, memegang, merogoh, mengusap. Bibir mereka menyentuh, mengecup. Mata-mata memandang, lapar, lalu menerkam. Aku jijik. Aku menjauh.
Aku perawan. Aku bangga aku perawan. Dari ujung kaki sampai ke helai terakhir rambutku aku perawan.
Aku bersih.
Lalu dunia memandangku sinis dan berkata aku munafik. Mereka bilang aku kurang asik. Hidupku tidak sesuai dengan jamanku.
Dunia menuduhku ketika aku menghindari bibir pacarku. Dunia menuduhku ketika aku menolak bersentuhan dengan lawan jenis. Dunia menuduhku dengan semua moralku. Dunia menuduhku ketika aku memilih untuk bicara daripada meraba-raba.
Dunia
mencela
aku.

Suatu hari aku menyerah. Hormon-hormonku terlalu agresif untuk kuhindari. Aku lelah menahan diri. Aku tak sekuat itu. Aku memutuskan untuk menjadi tak perawan. Aku akhirnya mencoba.
Dimulai dengan tangan. Sentuhan di tangan membuat jantungku berdegup-degup. Genggamannya membuatku melayang-layang. Lalu tangannya terus berjalan, menyentuh-nyentuh yang tak terlihat mata. Bibir, lidah, menyentuh, mengusap. Basah. Nikmat. Dulu aku bodoh menolak nikmat.
Tapi lalu semuanya jadi biasa. Tapi aku tak lagi perawan. Aku senang senggama. Karena itu nikmat.
Lalu dunia memandangku sinis dan berkata aku kotor. Hidupku kotor dan menjijikan. Dunia melihatku seperti tikus got yang bahkan tak pantas dipandang mata.
Dunia menolakku dengan pilihan hidupku. Dunia menolakku takut aku mengidap penyakit kotor. Dunia menolakku ketika aku menjadi seperti dunia, aneh. Dunia menolakku yang meraba-raba.
Dunia
mencela
aku.

Dunia tak tahu siapakah dirinya. Dunia tak punya definisi akan apa itu dunia. Dunia tak tahu apa yang dia inginkan. Dunia tak punya nilai tak punya norma. Tapi dunia bersikap seakan dialah nilai, dialah norma. Aku muak dengan dunia.
Aku
mencela
dunia.

Tammie
10/29/07
GRCC Holman Library

Just a little short story.
Ps. : if anyone reads this blog and doesn't understand indonesian
I'll be more than happy to translate it
but, what are the odds?
haha

Quote of the day:
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Dr. Seuss

SAW IV

2007-10-25T13:06:00.000-07:00

SAW
I've never interested to watch that movie.
Just to see the trailer is enough to make me want to puke.
I have no idea how can people love that movie so much
that they make 4 of it and people still watch it.

I personally find its disturbing.

the purpose of watching movie is entertainment

romantic comedy:
its for ppl with boring love life like me, who's trying to find comfort in those romantic comedies which only have 1 message. Love conquers all. Doesn't matter how many times reality has proven that it's a lie, we never refuse to be fooled again and again. but still, its entertaining.

horror:
as weird as it is, but most people do find entertainment by scaring themselves. that's why amusement park is always crowded and expensive. There's only one way to explain it, adrenaline. Its a good feeling to have those adrenalines pumped up in ur body. So it does give satisfaction.

thriller:
Same as horror movies, plus the main character always have good abs. SIX PACKS, baby! Its entertaining.

Cartoon:
go figure. its always nice to see those cute creatures that sometimes u can't figure out what it's. but they're cute, and the story is always nice, and again, it boosts ur morale. always. friendship, love, everything. plus u can always find comedy in cartoon. its not always good comedy, but well. so its entertaining and nice.

old movies:
well, its always fun to see guys with tight shirts and girls with high hairs.

reality show:
its time to mock people without feeling guilty. who would miss it?

So every movie has their own characteristic that makes them funny, or interesting, or smart.

But SAW doesnt
Mutilation, blood, flesh.
If people can find entertainment from that movie, I think its amazingly disturbing.

We can see in the news almost everyday
people being murdered
people being tortured
people being treated like they're not living creature.

I believe most of us think that holocaust is disgusting
I believe most of us think that genocide is disgrace

And who, among us want to witness such a horrendous act.
none.

the movie is as disgusting.
u can still say that its just a movie.
But those scenes are so disturbing that if we can stand and watch those action and stay sane, there's something seriously wrong with us.
let alone sit down and watch it while eating popcorn.

A movie has a great power over civilization.

be careful there.

-me

quote of the day:
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks

Being green

2007-10-22T21:48:00.000-07:00

what exactly does being green mean?

is it paint all ur body with green paint?
well, at some point, yeah. it can be a way to express it.
is it grow a yard full of green plants and stuff?
it can be.
but being green is deeper than that

its about having that sensitivity within you

now, being green doesn't mean that u have to change everything
it doesn't mean that u hv to change who u are
it doesn't mean that u hv to give up what u like
it doesn't even mean that u hv to change ur lifestyle
well, eventually u will hv to

but as a start, and believe me it's good enough
u just hv to be more aware

I went to this climate change seminar
a few months ago
I have no idea what was it with that seminar
but that 3 days changed me

not thoroughly as a human being
but just a tiny part of me

I can't stand to see an unused light on
I can't stand to see a TV on without an audience
I can't stand to see someone forget to turn off their electricity

now, something that quite amazing is
how my hand just reach automatically to turn off lights, air condition, tivo
anything
when I see them on
and that doesn't hurt me at all

I know that not everyone are as lucky as I do
to get that 'enlightment'.

but I just want to share
how being green isn't that hurt at all

u don't have to watch less tv
u don't have to being hot because u don't use air condition
u don't have to stop using light

u just have to realize
that u need to be aware

just as small as lower ur air conditioner temperature
turn off ur unused light

Climate change is scary
believe me it is
It kills u slowly
It will steal everything that u have
and leave u with nothing.

so start being green now
because it's important

we may don't care about genocide in Rwanda
we may don't care about poverty
we may don't care about the monks in Myanmar
we may don't care about children in Africa
but if there's something that the whole world have to be consent on to care about
it's climate change
because its important
and its urgent
and if we can't fight against it
soon we won't have anything that we can fight for

do something now
the smallest thing
as a start
if u do it every single day constantly
it will change d world

GO GREEN

-me

quote of the day
"whether u think that u can or that u can't, u're usually right"
Henry Ford

the ballad of jack and rose

2007-10-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

hi
I just watched a movie called 'the ballad of jack and rose'
starring daniel day lewis

its a great movie
capital G capital R capital E capital A capital T

its about a man who lives in a commune with his daughter
with this big dream about human civilization
where communism is applied, everyone lives in harmony
where human civilization walks hand in hand with nature.

he tries to isolated his daughter from the real world
drown in his own idealism, he doesn't realize what he has done to his daughter

bottom line is,
his idealism screw him

its a seriously good movie
d kind that u rarely fine nowadays

it will be amazing if what he dreams of can really be come true
but unfortunately, Im positive that that will never happen in this world

civilization has gone too far
to go back to that point

but as long as one or two people
still have that spirit in their heart,
we'll be alright

watch it

speaking of idealism,
i believe that each and everyone of us has idealism
big or small
and like the guy on that movie,
once in a while our idealism will hurt us
or put us in a bad situation.
but never give up.
cause when we give our idealism up,
we deprive our existency as a human being
and what left from us, is nothing

-me

quote of the day
"knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens."
Jimi Hendrix

welcome to my world

2007-10-12T23:16:00.000-07:00

Hi!
The best part of my life so far has passed.
But a new chapter of my life is happening.
Im officially a college student now. And many great things are happening.
Im basically going to talk about anything.
Ideas.
Experiences.
Dissapointment.
Everything.

come and join my journey.

-jtp-