Kami Bukan

Aku melihat orang-orang besar
Yang sibuk berlari ke sana kemari
Seperti tikus-tikus kecil yang lari dari perangkap

Sepatu-sepatu besar mereka menggertak galak
Bunyi derak kaki mereka menggegap
Wajah-wajah mereka penuh dengan kontemplasi

Mereka tak pernah berhenti berlari
Mengejar apa-apa aku tak tahu
Berlari dari apa hanya mereka yang mengerti

Orang-orang besar berlari di bawah bayang
Bernafas, terengah, tapi tak hidup
Terus berlari tanpa pernah meraih apa-apa

Dan mereka terus berlari melewati kami
Karena kami menolak ikut berlari
Kami bukan tikus yang panik lari dari perangkap

Kami orang-orang besar
Yang lewat dari jarak pandang mereka

Karena sepatu kami kecil dan tak menggertak
Karena derak kaki kami kurang menggegap
Dan kontemplasi kami bukan di wajah adanya

-me
29.09.09

Antara malam, siang, dan aku

Jam berdetak sekali dua kali seribu kali
Sehari dua hari tiga hari seribu tahun
Berputar putar melingkar kembali
Ke awal lagi ke kosong lagi melamun

Lampu meredup redup di ujung sendiri
Mata terbuka menatap tak tahu apa
Bayangan hitam temaram menari nari
Hati berdegup kencang entah milik siapa

Kami di sini malam ini sendiri bernyanyi
Bersama jiwa jiwa yang bersama kami mencari
Sebentar pagi datang lagi dalam sunyi
Dan kami berlarian ke sana kemari

Esok kami tak tahu apa siapa dan kenapa
Tapi malam ini kami ada di sini
Dan kami mencoba untuk terus lupa
Agar kami bisa jadi lebih berani

Malam kami terus menari dan mencari
Di ruang kosong di sudut sunyi di terang hilang
Siang nanti kami harus berlari ke sana kemari
Sampai kemudian bertemu lagi ketika jam berdentang.

29.09.09
Auburn

-me

"For all that's lost and waiting to be found"

Dear you

For you whom I love and always will
The road we have passed wasn’t easy
And between home and here
We have been everything
We were best friends and strangers
We were lovers and enemies
We were two people
Finding comfort in each other
And sometimes resentment
Now we’re here
The same two people
Yet not quite the same
Life brought us to a point we never knew exist
The road ahead is unclear
And what lays ahead us is unknown
The times we’ve passed will always stay
Unmoved by anything
For we are who we are
Because who you and I were
Years will pass and things will change
We would be two strangers to who we were
But one thing will remain unchanged
We will always have them at heart
Those younger people with passion
Those younger people with their mistakes
And we will always remain who we were
Two innocent kids
With so much to learn
Who find comfort and resentment in each other
Best friends and strangers
Lovers and enemies
Everything

-me
Jakarta,
July 14 '09

Doom

The little daredevil has found her little shrine
Peacefully she sits there contented and perfectly fine
In the distance she still sees the fire that once burned her
And silently she swears she will stay away forever

But oh, a little daredevil she always will be
With her curiosity burning inside so strongly
The same curiosity that once killed the cat
And oh if she only knows the story of this cat

One night the little daredevil needs some light
She's surrounded by darkness and in need of something to guide
She sees the fire in distance glowing so tempting
So hard she tries to hold back but it looks so fascinating

Blinded by a little hope, she forgets about her vows
The will to approach the fire quickly grows
Just one more time, she says
Assuring herself that this time will not she pays

She walks slowly closer to the burning flame
Reassured that the fire is now tame
She stops for a while, recalculating her every move
And finally decides that she needs to prove

The little daredevil charges ahead
With confidence, she’s no longer afraid
She touches the fire, she embraces the flame
And for a while she thinks, yes, the fire is tame

It’s a little too late when she realizes
The implication and the consequences
Little daredevil watches in awe as she’s burned slowly
While the fire eats her alive so calmly


-me

(Love does fuck you stupid.)



"Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly."
-Arnold Edinborough

Roller Fucking Coaster, eh?

Going up and up high
Going down and down low
One second on the highest of the top
On the bottom of rock bottom the next
Twirling around in my own little world
Running in circles and than, stop
The circles dizzied me and I’m all confused
Am I still on the top?
Or it’s the underground of series of complication
Light up!
Light up, fool
Haven’t you heard that song?
The one that says you are a fool to cry?
I am a fool to cry
Than again, smiling doesn’t really suit me
I’m crazy to smile
Cause I’m at the bottom of the barrel
And the highest of the top is not all that fun either
You know why?
I’m acrophobic
You know why?
I'm so afraid to fall
I would rather not fly
Chitter chatter all in my head
Of course,
Me and myself
We are the best of friends
We are the worst of enemies
Now I’m up high
Now I’m down low

-me
Sunset District, San Francisco,
Tuesday, March 24 09
around 4.40 am


"I am a contradictory mess but I see it as my prerogative to change my mood like the weather."
-Shirley Manson

Conscience

Looking at us
Chin up high, too high
With haughty smiles that say
I’m the king of the world
And beyond
Looking at him
Face as pale as the snow
Laying down
Youth shines from him
Now meaningless, now useless
It’s so sudden
It’s so cold
It’s a slap on our faces
We’re not kings of the world
We’re just a tiny part
And life goes on
Even when we are no more
The haughty smile disappears
When the truth appears
We are just another drop of sand
In the beach
And we are not invincible

-me
march 9, 2009

For Sergio

I am deeply sorry

Forgive me ‘cause I’m not the person you all want me to be
Forgive me ‘cause I’m weak and unwilling to try
Forgive me for letting you down, again and again
Forgive me ‘cause I’m far from perfect
Forgive me for running away from everything
Forgive me for resenting you for what’s mine
Forgive me ‘cause I’m looking for excuses after excuses
Forgive me ‘cause I thought I could live on my own
Forgive me ‘cause it turned out I was wrong
Forgive me ‘cause I might have deluded you
Forgive me for promising what I couldn’t fulfill
Forgive me ‘cause I’m not honest enough
Forgive me ‘cause I’m not strong enough
Forgive me for pretending to be everything
Forgive me ‘cause the truth is I am nothing
Forgive me for all my mistakes
Forgive me ‘cause I can’t fix them good
Forgive me for being so complicated
Forgive me for being so fucking absurd
Forgive me for not doing what’s right
Forgive me ‘cause I know I have it in me I just don’t want to
Forgive me ‘cause I’m too afraid to love
Forgive me for shielding myself from everything else
Forgive me for being so melodramatic
Forgive me for all these unnecessary whining
Forgive me for all the desperation I inflict upon you
Forgive me for all the effort I’m not making
Forgive me for being who I am today
And please forgive me for not trying to change

The truth is, I don’t feel like changing
At least not today
Because my frustration and desperation are all I have
And I’m not letting go


-me

Quote of the day:
"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." -Dorothy Thompson

The Pessimistic Side of Everything

Life offers you beautiful roses and their thorns
And it gives you glasses of wine and than you're drunk
So it gives you rainbow with the illusion of gold on its edges
I know life gives you stars and make you think they shine
It gives the deep blue sea and it drowns you
And life gives you song when you can't sing a tune
Than it gives you hope before it lets you

-me

What for?

What for, dear?
You force yourself to be awake at the break of dawn
Every fucking day for years and years more
Your mind hangs forcefully to sweet dreams as you yawn
Knowing that it will all be the same as before
Can’t you help but think, what for

You take it all in, all the worries and pain
Struggling inside and out for those that aren’t worth a thing
Knowing that in the end nothing you will gain
And still you are forced to fight despite all the loathing
But soon you’ll find yourself thinking, what for

You give yourself another chance in love, in life
Drowning yourself all over again within the despair
While doubting that you can do it again and survive
Knowing that you’ll end up broken beyond repair
You know that a voice inside you asking, what for

You find yourself contemplating on old ideals day by day
Going with the flow of norms, rules, and most of the time, doctrines
Slowly you lost yourself in the crowd as you’re trying to get away
That’s just the way of the world, by all means
Still, as soon as you stop you again wonder, what for